How to Navigate Buying vs. Renting as a Couple

Once upon a time in Wisconsin, I owned a home. It was a summer cottage converted to a year-round house, in an older neighborhood with lots of trees and a beach. I loved it for a little bit — and then rapidly learned that I hated owning a home. I learned that I wanted to be able to call a landlord or property manager for anything that needed to be fixed. I learned I didn’t ever want to worry about mowing grass or shoveling snow. I realized I wanted the freedom to pack up and leave if I decided I didn’t like my house anymore.

Once upon another time, my husband grew up in a family that never owned a home. Although they’d always had excellent landlords, he didn’t know what it was like to have a place that was fully his — and that’s what he wants now.

So now, it’s a bit of a stand-off between us. Do I want a bigger home than our two-bedroom apartment? Definitely. But do I want to own it? Not so much. My husband also wants a bigger home, with a yard, that we can claim as solely ours.

We’re in the process of working toward a compromise (which, for now, is us moving the timeline out until houses are more affordable), but we’re far from the only couple who can’t agree on owning vs. renting.

“I’ve noticed this issue as a frequent source of tension, especially in current times when buying a house is no longer normalized according to societal expectations of getting married, buying a home, and having kids,” says marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg, founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Studio City, California. “Additionally, with housing prices and interest rates locking many people out, there’s a lot more to consider than what used to be a more straightforward decision.”

Real estate agents see this issue crop up a lot, as well — and sometimes, it makes them feel like a couples therapist, too.

“This situation calls for a very fine balancing act between understanding and communication,” says Saddat Abid, senior property buyer and CEO at U.K.-based Property Saviour. “I sit down with both partners and really discuss why one feels like continuing to rent, while the other believes in buying. Ultimately, what I do is facilitate a decision which both partners feel comfortable and confident in making, ensuring that in the process they have in fact chosen something that will work best to nourish their relationship and meet their needs.”

If you’d rather tackle the issue before heading to an agent, both Goldberg and Abid have some advice on how to resolve the conflict. First, you’ll want to have a very frank discussion about your lifestyles and goals. That means talking about things like job stability, possible future moves, family relationships, children, and flexibility needs.

“For instance, if one partner is a freelance artist who values the freedom to travel and is open to living in different places, it can bring many challenges if the other partner is a nurse who craves stability,” Goldberg says. “By discussing these differing needs and priorities, couples can create a line of communication that helps each partner understand the other’s perspective.”

Essentially, you want to get to the root of why this conflict is occurring. It could be money issues, or not having enough for a down-payment. Or maybe there’s some insecurity at play, where the partner who wants to buy worries that the partner who doesn’t isn’t fully committed to the relationship.

“Ultimately, the goal is to focus on shared long-term family goals, ideas of how they foresee settling — if that’s even a goal — and making sure each person feels heard and understood,” Goldberg says. “Understanding the reasons behind each person’s desires and concerns is key because reasons having to do with finances versus fears about the other partner’s commitment to settling down are very different and would need to be addressed differently.”

Either way, communication is key here. It’s a lot of big issues, though, so try to only discuss one at a time — otherwise it can quickly become overwhelming.

Abid says to be sure to also look at those issues through the lens of renting or buying. What are the financial implications that come with both options, and how will they impact your lifestyle?

“That is a holistic analysis that will help in laying down the pros and cons for long-term benefits or otherwise,” Abid says.

If things do get too emotional during your discussion, try going back to the numbers. Bring out a rent-versus-buy calculator and plug in everything for your specific situation. Looking at the hard numbers may take some of the emotion out of what can be a fraught discussion about shared goals, your relationship, and your commitment to one another — financially and emotionally. You can also tap into external experts, like real estate agents, accountants, mortgage brokers, and friends or family who have bought before. Sometimes all one person needs is just more information.

The best outcome is to find a middle ground or compromise that both partners can agree to. Abid and Goldberg both suggest looking at renting-to-owning. You could also look at investment properties, extending the buying timeline (like my husband and I are doing), or touring smaller starter homes to make it feel like your decision is less of a monumental one.